In the Process of...

The internet is used for research. It is the quick and easy way to finding answers to assignments, and is the source of “all knowledge” [Mabuhay ang Wikipedia!]. It has become the main tool for communication as well – email, instant messaging, vpns and intranets. It has become the new ocean that pirates cross to find their loot. And it has become the venue for making friends (asl?), making chismis and well finding old friends and family! It has allowed a different kind of networking to take place – Friendster, Facebook, Multiply, My Space and whatever else there may be. I know a lot of people who are wary of all those online networking sites. They are such distractions - you can spend hours just jumping from one person to the next – the ultimate usi[sero] machine, looking at the photos, journal entries and testimonials of friends, friends of friends and people who they want to befriend. It’s the new way of stalking. And it’s my guilty pleasure (Okay, maybe I don’t feel that guilty).

Recently, I received a pleasant email from one of my cousins – Ahia Mike Yu (Cuyegkeng side of the family). It was the type of email that just flies in from nowhere, at just the right time, with just the right message.

Wow. You've grown into a mature young lady. Great job growing up, Tamara!

That was shock number one. I’m mature?!? Wow. This cousin of mine has truly been away for awhile. I am at the classic age of 25, quarter of a century, struggling to grow up and keep up with the times. Where did he get this wild idea?

As all serendipitous discoveries go on the internet, I was researching on the Web (read: wasting time on Facebook), happened to invite Cindy and Carlo Marcelo to my friends list, saw your name, and said to myself, "Noooooooo. Tamara? Isn't she the 3 or 4 year old kid of Tita Primie whom we visited in the US in 1986? She can't have a Facebook account yet."

Aha! He found me on Facebook. My profile picture was definitely not one of a four year old – so yes, I have grown much since his last memory of me.

But I'm rambling. What I wanted to say from the beginning is: I read most of your blog entries, and couldn't stop.

Uh oh. What have I written over the past four years?

…we went through pretty much the same things growing up, too! Kudos on your "A" paper with Fr. Dacanay. Makes me wonder where I put my own "A" paper for his 131 class. And for me, Leland dela Cruz wasn't a thesis adviser. He was an org mate in ACLC (now you have an idea just how old I am!). J

I have to say, I should've seen this coming with you. WYA volunteer, forwarded messages from Gus Rodriguez about Ateneo education (he was my teacher too…can you sense the excitement here?)…

A wave of sentimentality took over. There is just something in hearing how someone older and wiser says that they’ve gone through the same thing. In a way, it’s affirming that they understand. I started feeling nice and warm inside – this was the most affirmative letter I have ever received. Among all the mistakes and failures, it made me think, I must be on the right path.

I think you'll get a kick out of the story I'm about to tell you.

As I said, when I visited the US in 1986, I had just graduated from 7^th grade (Xavier, of course). You were a cute little girl with curly hair (well, I remember the hair being curly…I hope my memory hasn't slipped too much). And I will never, ever forget the time we were in the car, travelling one of those non-descript US highways that have numbers for names, and out of the blue while staring out into the sunset, you ask Tita Primi, "Mom, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?"

WHAT!?!

Okay, It’s only now, reading this letter for the nth time that I can roll my eyes and say “What was I thinking!? What kind of kid was I? Who asks those sorts of questions?”

But honestly, when I read it the first time – medyo kinilabutan ako. Because really – how do you answer a question like that?

There was a moment of silence, and then your Mom says, "Tamara always asks questions like that!" and then proceeded with the textbook catechism answer of having to save us from our sins, etc., etc.

I don't know if that answer satisfied your curiosity at the tender age of 4 or not, but after writing that lengthy introduction, let me get back to my original intent of writing this email to you: reading your blog, and seeing how you've grown, I think that after more than 20 years of living, you pretty much know the answer to the question.

Bigat.

And I hope you keep on living out the answer…

Mas mabigat.

This started a string of emails between me and Ahia Mike. Funny how he seemed to know me so well – through my blog. [Okay, I know – if it weren’t Ahia Mike and it was some random sketchy person then I’d be weirded out and wouldn’t find it too funny or amazing].

It forced me to look at my life – the decisions I have made, the places I’ve been. It made me actually read through my blog again. It forced me to try to answer the question I apparently had asked some 21 years ago – and well, continue answering it the best I can. But my God – the more I thought about it, the more complicated and difficult it seemed to become.

…who said it would be easy? And it's never completely answered till the day we all move on. We just have to do the best we can with whatever we're equipped with at the time, right? I haven't forgotten my Ph classes: we'll never grasp the totality of Him since we're finite, but to touch even a little bit of what He represents is worth it. It seems like you've found the little piece that fits for you, so embrace it!

Facebook helped Ahia Mike find me. But really, it helped me find myself as well.

Thanks for finding me, Ahia Mike! :-) See you soon!